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How To Rape Spiderman

Marvel Comics

Copyrighted / All Rights Reserved by Marvel Comics

Dear Great and Lofty Ones of Marvel:

Thank you for taking the time to read this.  I know you may be busy either planning new stories for me to further inflame my fans with the idiotic decisions coming down the pike!

Let me calm down first.

Okay.  I feel better…To blow off steam, I just webbed my cat to the refrigerator.

Now where was I?

Oh, yeah.

I am breaking the sacred fourth wall to finally have my say.

I know that you will surprised receiving an email from me.   I mean, I do have the title “Friendly”, right?  I have always been the one who punched in at Marvel.  Never had a sick day.   Always on time.  Your faithful workhorse.

Do a few scenes.  Left for lunch with the fellas (Tony Stark is a big spender).  Laughed as we downed Starbucks after work then headed back home.

This was all wearing on me.

I tried to talk to other heroes about what was bothering me.  I talked to Wolverine yet all he talked about was his dark past and his issues with Xavier.  So I went to Deadpool and he proceeded to start juggling grenades and challenged me to stick a sword in…well, never mind.

I went to the Beast who wanted to play chess with me and talk about Shakespearean sonnets.  Sigh.  These feelings kept boiling inside of me.  I wanted to badly to web all of you to the wall to get you to listen.

But I slowly soldiered on.

Now with the announcement of me joining the Fantastic Four, I have finally decided to speak out.  As Uncle Ben use to say, “Don’t be afraid to speak your mind.”  So the time has come for me to man up and share with you how I feel.

My recent treatment (anywhere from cloning me to allowing me to get married then poof…no marriage to suddenly I am ‘reborn’ as a single guy with no MJ) has left me feeling like less of a superhero and more like an unloved orphan.

I feel like my writers have a vendetta against me.  I’m sick and tired of feeling like I am raped by these writers and how they have raked me over the burning coals of failed ideas (e.g. I’m dying yet AGAIN!  No, wait!  This is in the Ultimate Universe!  C’mon!  But wait…this is not the “actual’ Spidey universe so this doesn’t count, right?).

The writers have raped me of my dignity, my powers, my life, and origin.  Enough is enough!

I am presenting 9 things that I always want to say to the Powers-That-Be, the silent Cabal, that loves screwing around with my life without my say.  Let’s hope you will listen to save the U.S.S. Spiderman from a fate similar to the Titanic or Spiderman 3 (I think I just vomited a little).

1.    Stop putting me in every comic – I’m flattered.  No, really.  I know that you want me in every comic but c’mon… I can’t be everywhere at once.  Case in point: How in the Blue Blazes am I going to a member of the Fantastic Four for Sunday dinner then shimmy over to the New Avengers to play the Wii and swing over to the Avengers to play Rock Band?  Did you auto magically give me the ability to teleport like Nightcrawler?

Well, I wouldn’t doubt it…I use to have stingers that came out of my forearms and fangs to “bite victims”.  Ooo.   Great chick magnets.

2.    Capitalize on my strengths – Y’know, when Stan created me…he wanted to create a hero that had a heart and a lot of my fans appreciated that I am someone they can relate to.  Bring back my humanness and stop trying to make me hip and cool.  I’m an average Joe who has abilities who wants to make a difference.  How hard is that?

3.    Make the challenges suitable for me – I am not saying that stopping petty crime is beneath me.  But let’s think about this one, shall we?  With all the heroes in New York, are you going to insult my readers by thinking that NO ONE else can do the job of cleaning up the streets but me?  I hope my retirement package at Marvel is a fat one if this is the case (Geritol, here I come!).

4.    Make the challenges bigger than me – I want challenges…this is what makes me stronger.  Bigger challenges construct bigger character arcs for me.  You can place me against villains who are insanely powerful and let me go.  This is what true heroes do.  Let me figure out how to beat them on my own than having a “fairy god-heroes” BAMF in and save my skin.

5.    Restore my fan base by writing better stories – Back in the old school days, Stan Lee and Jack Kirby spun (pun intended) tales executed like an Italian opera with me.  I had a lot of terrible things that happened to me.  Can we return to those days?  I want my readers glued to my happenings and heroics instead of moaning every time they see my titles.

6.    I play well with others (Ding!  Ding! Disclaimer included!) – Okay, so you slap me into the Avengers.  I’m game.  They have a cool game room anyway.  Yet I need to interact with more of my immediate family and my history.  With a finger on the pulse of the past and a view toward the future, this is what makes a hero great.

7.    There are more villains than Venom and Carnage…no, really. – I get it.  The symbiotes = Cool.  But do we always have to have the symbiotes?  Have the House of Ideas been neglect in its mortgage payments?  I don’t have to face the latest symbiote attached to someone.  The next thing you’ll know…I’ll be facing Snooki from Jersey Shore in a symbiote suit.

8.    Keep me snarky – While all the attention seems to be about the antics of Deadpool and his witty remarks, I am the original King of Snark.  Send me writers who can capture this side of me than giving me writers whose humor is as stale as the candies in Aunt May’s candy jar.

9.    Return me to being a formidable fighter – Spider-strength.  Check.  Spider-agility.  Check.  Spider-sense.  Check.  With these abilities (especially with my Spider-sense), NO ONE could be able to neither touch me nor lay a hand on me.  What do the crooks always say about me? “He is so fast!”  Then how in the Blue Blazes can people like the Kingpin or Sandman even touch me?

I demand returning to my skill set that shook opponents because my abilities is, well, amazing.   Psst…Wikipedia even says in my Powers and Abilities that I’m a genius.  And we all know that Wikipedia would never lie.

Okay, I feel better now.

I think I will return to work again Monday morning.  If these changes are not implemented immediately, I’m crawling…er…walking out never to return again to Marvel.  I’ll web my resignation note on the door of the Editor in Chief.  I’ll make sure to web the Men’s bathroom shut, too.

You can watch me later on the WWE because they can always use a new gimmick.

Sincerely Yours,

Peter Parker

Your Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman

(Special thanks to Best Blogging Tips for the idea for this post!)

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Dear Great and Lofty Ones of Marvel:

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